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An Article about
Self Esteem - 'Seeing The Choices'
Self esteem is a major
factor that enables us to achieve a balanced and
satisfying life. Our self esteem is shaped by the
personality we are born with, the family environment in which we
grew up, feedback from others and our own evaluation of how well we cope with life's ups
and downs. Someone who has a high self regard will
view life with optimism and feel confident in their ability to
deal with most things. It enables them to bounce back from a bad
situation because they don't take failures or criticism
personally. On the other hand, those with a low self regard
or esteem
rely on the validation of others and success in their endeavors
to feel good about themselves. Because their self esteem hangs
so precariously on forces outside themselves, they can very
quickly spiral downward into despair and self-criticism when
things don't work out as hoped.
Here's an example of how self
esteem has the potential to influence our choices. Suzy and
Robyn work for a boss who has a reputation for being very
demanding and abrasive. One day he came storming out of his
office accusing the women of not working fast enough to meet his
4pm deadline for an important job. For the next five minutes he
berated them in front of other staff. In one last fit of anger
he threatened to sack the both of them if he lost the client
because of their poor work ethic. By the time he'd marched back
to his office Suzy was almost in tears. She was totally
shattered by the tirade. Her mind raced. She'd always
thought of herself as a dedicated and hard working employee, yet
it seemed that wasn't good enough. She found herself thinking
maybe she wasn't cut out for the job after-all. That maybe she
should resign to save herself the embarrassment of being fired.
But when she turned to her co-worker, she was surprised to
notice that rather than being upset, Robyn was fuming with rage.
"How dare he speak to us like that! He knew this was a three
person job when he took the order. If he loses the client it'll
be his fault for agreeing to such an unreasonable deadline!"
Robyn, who didn't have self issues, saw what just happened from
an entirely different perspective. Suzy was dumb-struck. Her low self esteem
highlighted her habit of accepting blame and responsibility without question. This
time it could have put her back on the unemployment line.
Most of the time we go
through life in quite an unconscious way. By this I mean we tend
to see life as a series of events that just happen. We aren't
really aware that what happens is largely the product of our choices.
In turn, our choices are based on our self esteem.
I'm reminded of a friend
(with low self esteem) who
often complains of having bad luck. Her life seems to be in
constant disarray as she bounces from one unfortunate incident
to the next. One day we met for coffee and she told me about her
recent trip to visit her sister who lives three hours away in a
rural town. "You wouldn't read about it", she began. "The whole
trip was a disaster. First I got pulled over for speeding, then
I got a puncture and my spare was flat. By the time I got to my
sister's place it was dark and no-one was home."
"Wasn't she expecting you," I
asked, surprised. "Well no", she answered sheepishly. "I wanted
to surprise her". She let out a deep sigh before continuing.
"It's not fair. Every time I try to do something nice it blows
up in my face. Nothing ever goes right for me!"
Driving home I thought about
my friend's bad luck and how it all related back to the choices
she'd made. She'd decided not to phone her sister before setting
out. No-one made her speed. She chose not to check the condition
of her spare tyre. What I found especially interesting was that
my friend apparently had no idea she had sabotaged her journey
right from the start. The more I wondered why she would do
this, the more her final statement came back. "Nothing ever goes
right for me". That was her powerful self-belief. So
powerful, that she unconsciously set herself up for failure.
So, what's the solution for
my friend and people like her? Let's go back to my point about
people living a largely unconscious life. It's too easy to
bemoan the 'bad luck' that follows us around instead of taking
responsibility for ourselves. When we're not taking
responsibility, we need to ask ourselves why we're not. Taking
responsibility also includes recognising how our self-beliefs
influence the decisions and choices we make.
Knowing my friend as I do, I
suspected the reason she hadn't called her sister first was
because she was afraid her sister would put the visit off. Seen
through her low self esteem filter, she would likely have
interpreted that as meaning she was less important than other
things her sister might be doing. Sensing the emotional pain
implicit in that assumption, it was easier to show up
unannounced.
It could be said my friend's
other decisions were also a reflection of how she feels about
herself. Paying a speeding fine means that money would not be
available for paying bills (peace of mind) or pleasure (self
nurture). Not checking the tyre could be interpreted as meaning
being inconvenienced and putting her safety at risk (by needing
to flag down a stranger) is okay by her (lack of self worth).
We owe it to ourselves to
become more conscious of the influences behind our choices and
decisions. When we allow these influences to become
conscious it demystifies life. There are not outside forces
working against us. We can see how self-belief is followed
by a choice which in turn leads to a particular behaviour. It
allows us to step back and decide whether that behaviour creates
a positive or a negative outcome. It puts us back in control
where we no longer feel a victim to bad luck or circumstances.
End
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